Stream of Consciousness: “matters and madder hats”


This piece is a few weeks old. Normally I’m a pen-and-paper fan, but I typed this while walking down the street on a very cold November night after attending the ending of elephants collective’s “A Wake for Lost Time”. At the event I had kind of a strange, extremely wondrous and highly emotional experience. It gave me a lot to think and feel about, and then the warm safety of the space where it had been held for 24hrs straight (!!!!!!!!!!) so neatly juxtaposed the I-can’t-stand-still cold outside… I journeyed a few bus stops ahead, and here are the words that walked with me.

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Right now I feel sick
Right now I feel thick in the head
I feel crazy
I feel useless
I feel dead
Feel me?
Can you hear what I’ve said?
Yeah, “sick thick crazy useless dead”
These words, uneasy
Like all the words I’ve left unsaid, they’ve built up a dis-ease in me
In other words:
Like all the hands I’ve ever upheld refuse to let go
And against my will their grip around mine gets tighter
These once-loving fingers have been clenched into fighter fists

Right now I feel empty
Right now I feel heavy
My undone bridge is coming down
I feel the need to do more, do something, do something else
I feel the ache to make some sense of my blood red reality
Like, as in, I know “we don’t really matter”
But it really matters to me that my human existence has worth
Pause. What is our cause?
Who am I to say “we don’t really matter”?
We matter! Of course we freakin’ matter.
We ARE freakin’ matter.

Right now if you say the word “matter” – or any other word, for that
matter – over and over again,
It ceases to mean what it is, right?
It’s meaning ceases to be as we know it, that is
Matter as we know it comes undone
It becomes empty mattermattermatter feels heavy mattermattermatter
gets tighter mattermattermatter swing batter mattermatter
Matter feels uneasy mattermattermatter sick thick crazy matter useless
matter dead matter
Like me

Right now
Right now is all that matters
I mean that the present moment is always the only matter at hand
Right now I am trying to put my finger on what matters
Am I mad or what?
What am I, matter?



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